Green Porno

Green Porno By Rosie Haney

Does sado masochism turn you on? Do you wish you had a six foot long penis? Ever contemplate the logistics of the hermaphroditic worm’s reproductive practices?

Me neither.

But for all who ponder the pubic prurience of our fellow animals, are easily excited, or are just looking for some comedic diversion, look no further than Green Porno.

Green Porno is written, produced, and features Isabella Rossellini. Now in its second season on Sundance channel, the show has been gaining in popularity and is also attracting the attention of giddy 19-year-olds and environmentalist alike.

My dad told me about this show (yeah, it was an awkward conversation, and this means that I’m probably really behind the balls). But I checked it out anyway, and I must say, it was not entirely what I expected. I was ready for something along the lines of National Geographic or the Discovery Channel, but instead found a pretty woman dressed up as a placid yet incredibly horny bee, going all the way with the queen until its penis falls off, and it bleeds to death.

The whole idea of the show is to make light of the fornication practices of insects. It explores a new format specifically tailored for the “third screen.” The concept is that there are movies for the big screen, shows for the small screen, and these shorts that are designed for the third screen that can be watched online or on an ipod.

The first season explored the sexual functions of animals such as a spider, fly, earthworm, snail, and bee. While some of the scenes are absolutely absurd (like when she humps a life-size replica of a fly from behind) they are also scientifically backed up. Resident conservationist, Claudio Campagna, who has a PHD in animal behavior from University of California at Santa Cruz, works with Rossellini because of his sense of necessity to endorse conservation through innovative media tools.

Rossellini said that, “I think that these are greener in a sense that there is a bigger environmental message than the last series.” The show takes a more subtle approach in spreading their message of conservation. The reasoning behind this is that if people appreciate these animals and are aware of them, even if the attention is lured through eroticism, people will be more mindful of them. “You don’t feel like anything is being forced on you.” says co-producer and director, Jody Shapiro, “It’s a great way to educate people.”

The second season proves to be just as educational and entertaining as the first round. It focuses on aquatic life, and documents to naughty-cal ways of the whale, starfish, limpet, barnacle, and just for some variety poses the question, “why vagina?”

If you go to the website, you can even get a “Green Porno Name.” Mine was “Miss Abyss” which I must admit is oddly more appealing, I think, than human porno names such as “Diamond”, “Lady Loins” or, “Jiffy Pop.” But unlike our counterparts that swim under the sea, I am not asexual, and I do not have a six foot long penis (or any penis at all, for that matter).

Green Porn is not just entertaining. It spreads the worthy message of conservation and explores new formats to satisfy our voracious media hunger, all while feeding our hardwired obsession for lust. It combines the noble with the ignoble, and will keep you laughing the whole time.

I can’t think of anything sexier.