The Scallion: Climate Affecting Nose Jobs

Global warming is affecting more than ocean levels and hurricanes.  At the same time a huge 19 square mile ice shelf in Canada's northern Arctic was breaking up last month due to accelerating climate change, a 15 square inch piece of Cher's cheek toppled to the stage floor during her Las Vegas show. Always the trooper, Cher continued singing her hit song "If I Could Turn Back Time" while audience members gasped in horror.  Following her performance, Cher nonchalantly picked up the makeup-laden cheek implant and placed it back onto her face. Scientists blame the ongoing higher temperatures in the Nevada desert due to climate change. Scientists have realized the adverse impact of global warming on plastic surgery for quite some time. During Michael Jackson's child molestation trial a few years back, his nose simply disappeared one day when he showed up at court.  At the time, the media accused Jackson's frequent visits to his plastic surgeon but scientists now believe that climate change was the primary culprit. Perhaps the most damaging affect of climate change on plastic surgery is seen with Joan Van Ark, who starred in "Knot's Landing" during the 1980s.  During a public appearance for the debut of a new hemorrhoid cream last year, Van Ark's face collapsed into the lunch buffet. One attendee confused Van Ark's face with blueberry pie and managed to eat a quarter of it before doctors were able to recover it and replace it on the actress's head. So, as scientists evaluate the impact of climate change on sea levels, animal species, and the global economy, they must take into account its damaging effects on plastic surgery. I shudder when I think about the global effects of thousands of faces melting at once.

Photo Sources TOP: Cher via ETOnline.  BOTTOM: Joan van Ark via ETOnline. “The Scallion” is Editor Dan’s weekly column (sometimes twice a week, sometimes once every other week) written in the spirit of “just having fun.”  If you think he's going to have plastic surgery anytime soon, think again!