'American Idol:' Separating the Men From the Boys

Watching the first live performances of an American Idol season is its own special brand of torture. Between the off-key singing, the bizarre costumes (a whistle necklace? Coattails?) and the facial muscles quivering with nerves (HDTV is so unforgiving,) just watching can prompt an unholy amount of emotional eating. That said, it's remarkable these kids don't all just step onto the stage and puke their guts out.

One reason for viewers to endure, of course, is to revel in the sheer awfulness of Simon's critiques. Early on in the season, the foul-mouthed Brit is at his best, and last night's 12 male performances, which separated the "men from the boys" in Ryan Seacrest's words, offered plenty of "you can't say that" moments. Here's the top 10 offensive comments uttered by Simon:

10. "I was looking forward to hearing you more than anybody else tonight and I was disappointment. It was too serious, too indulgent, and not original enough." (To Andrew Garcia.)

9. "One thing I do understand is we both were cursed with good looks and somehow you have to manage the talent thing as well." (To Casey James, who was being molested with Kara's eyes through his entire performance.)

8. "You were like the support act before the main act ... You're a big guy, big heart, but you delivered so little on that performance." (To Michael Lynche.)

7. "You have got to have an incredible voice to take on that song and you haven't ... I thought it was a kind of a pointless performance." (To John Park. Kara DioGuardi agreed.)

6. "In 10 seconds' time we're going to forget that performance." (To Joe Munoz. We can't remember enough about the performance to say whether we agree or not.)

5. "My issue with you is that you come over a lot as somebody who's gone to pretend-to-be-a-rockstar school." (To Tyler Grady. 'Nuff said. And for the record, Simon does say "come over" and not "come off" and it's spreading. What's that about?)

4. "If you lose it tonight or you forget the words, your career is over." (Simon's way of welcoming the boys.)

3. "Congratulations for coming back. Having said that, we absolutely made the right decision the first time around by not putting you through, based on that performance." (To Tim Urban, and really, we can't help but agree wholeheartedly. Still, props for not wetting yourself or collapsing into sobs!)

2. "I don't know who was happier for that to end: you or me. Because that was the most uncomfortable performance of the night." (To Alex Lambert, who stared creepily into the camera during his whole performance.)

1. "What you did was completely murder the original song. What you just did was verging on stupid. I call that tor-cha (torture, in American.)" (To Todrick Hall, who in all fairness did butcher Kelly Clarkson's "Since You Been Gone.")

Props to the parents and partners of the performers who restrained themselves from leaping onto the stage to smack Simon for attacking their loved one. Well done folks!

Photo courtesy Wikipedia.