5 Stupid Things I've Never Done While Drunk

Sophia Hartdegen is "grateful ... and humiliated." As she should be.

The 26-year-old Boston woman fell onto train tracks in the path of an oncoming train while fully intoxicated. She tipped forward onto the tracks while waiting for the T train (T for "tipped"?) after leaving a work party where she drank four 22-ounce beers. Luckily the operator, Charice Davis, stopped on a dime. She's already been honored for her heroism.

Yes, I know what happens ... you have a couple of drinks, or say, seven and your mind plied with more alcohol than is legally or biologically necessary, starts thinking on its own. Every thought is suddenly the best idea you think you've ever had. Those ideas will be bad ideas come morning. But if your night (or day, no judgments) does include alcohol, let the this be a lesson, 'cause while I love a great time I've somehow been able to NOT accomplish the following five things while drunk.

Number 5

Fallen into oncoming traffic: Even four drinks in, I know the outcome of human versus train or automobile. Hartdegen was nearly killed as she tried to reclaim her fallen cigarette. Let's not even get into the fact that she was risking her life for something that is slowly taking her life.

Prevention: I have no tips to offer other than, prayer. Pray that there are sober bystanders able to give the operator a heads up before it becomes your final best night ever.

Number 4

Driven drunk: I just plum won't do it. Getting a DUI is probably the dumbest thing you can be arrested for – if you've had a few, I can tell you, the $50 cab ride is a better investment than giving the city $20,000 to clean up your mess.

Prevention: It's getting harder and harder to designate the sober friend, because then that's just making them your babysitter and you are far too grown up for that, so as the night begins set up a cab to pick you up by texting one with EZCAB (39222). Just tell them to be in front of the club or house party 3 a.m. or whatever and they will text you when they arrive.

Number 3

Drunk dialed: There is nothing I can say to you drunk that wouldn't sound better at a decent hour over a nice lunch. Hollywood movies make it seem cute when someone filled with liquid courage defiantly leaves a randy, passionate message or text. But you'll regret it in the morning.

Prevention: iPhone has a lovely app called "Don't Dial." For only 99 cents you will be able to lock off those darned exes you just can't get out of your head. Just remember to activate it before the first tequila shot.

Number 2

Lose my purse: the hallmark of an epic night, losing your pocketbook. I've misplaced my debit card, but my entire purse? I'm clutching that baby all night, even on the dance floor. Most importantly, I've never lost my keys or my phone. Not even my favorite MAC lip gloss.

Prevention: If you are that person, make sure you give spare keys to someone you can call 24 hours a day, besides your landlord. Don't bring valuables with you and back up your phone at least once a week.

Number 1

Wake up somewhere foreign: He or she may be cute, you may (or may not) be available. But somehow you got back to their place and it went from zero to crazy in under 60 seconds. Now it's morning, or maybe just before sunrise, what to do? You need an exit strategy and fast.

Prevention/Recovery: Waking up somewhere strange next to someone whose name you don't even remember? There's an app for that. First, slap yourself. Then immediately download this app BAC Drink Tracker. It tracks the amount of drinks you've had so you can guesstimate the level of alcohol in your system. Now that you're awake, you'll need an escape route – check out Exit Strategy NYC. (Sorry, only for those lucky New Yorkers!) This iPhone application helps you plot point-to-point how to get back home to minimize the length of that inevitable walk of shame.

Listen, I may seem harsh but I want this girl to realize how incredibly scary that video is to witness much less experience. Before you call me self-righteous – I only said these are the five things that I have never done while drunk, the five things I have done is for another post.

Photo courtesy of icanshowyouhowtodoit via Wikihow.com.