Relationship Deja Vu - Do These Traps Sound Familiar?

"Maybe the problem isn't them, it's you."

Have you ever heard this one before? The shrink in an episode of Sex and the City tells Carrie Bradshaw that when Carrie keeps picking the wrong men. Again and again. She, and many of us, flounder from one relationship to the next, creating a sense of deja vu in the process.

Everybody's always driving at "what you learn" from each life lesson, right? Sometimes, it takes a few lumps in the road to get it to sink in.

There are always roles we play with others. Not just the obvious ones: wife, husband, son, boyfriend, mother, etc., but more nuanced ones that, should we examine them a bit more, might prove enlightening to what happens in the mechanism of a relationship.

Gaiam Life breaks down the two major roles (or traps, as it were) that people can fall into: The Healer or The Chameleon.

First, The Healer:

If you assume this role "you'll be attracted to the potential of who they can be rather than who they are 'right now.' As The Healer, you either do the work for them, allowing them to glom their stuff on to you, or you sit in their space with a bunch of advice that includes what they 'should,' 'ought to,' 'need to' and 'have to' do to be or get better."

Hm, sound familiar?

The Deja Vu:

The problem, as the piece points out, is that the more you try to heal someone, the more "invalidated they become. At first they may welcome your loving, caring way, but eventually they will come to resent your energetic and emotional meddling into the way they are doing their own healing work."

The Rx:

Stop trying to fix everyone. Focus on learning healthy boundaries. From there, you can learn what you will and will not consider.

Secondly, The Chameleon:

You lose your own identity along the way when trying to align yourself to the new person and their interests. (Haven't we all had a friend who decides to take up rock climbing just when that new guy enters her life even though she hardly goes outside?)

The Deja Vu:

You'll build up resentment that you gave yourself over so easily, and after time, wonder "who you really are."  If the relationship ends, there's that strong sense of regaining your "personal awareness" at which point you vow never to do that again.

The Rx:

"First, take some time to define your interests and celebrate your passions. Second is the opportunity to validate yourself for who you are. In your next relationship (or even in the one you are in now), find balance between what interests you and what interests them. Know the difference between being interested in finding out who they are versus becoming who they are. If it's all about the other person, you're doing it again."

Relationship Deja Vu: Get Wise, Not Trapped [GaiamLife]

Photo courtesy Claudia Veja@sxc.hu