You Are Entitled to the American Dream

There are a lot of different definitions for the American Dream. I've divided it into the three categories I think are most common:

1. To be able to support yourself and/or your family.

2. To become rich and famous.

3. To make a living doing what you love.

I like the first one, but the second two make me nervous. I know a lot of people want #2 and #3, but everyone knows you only get those things if you are special. Trouble is, everyone's pretty sure that they're special, and that leaves a lot of unhappy people.

We all talk a lot about "entitlement" and how bad it is, but let's cut the crap here. Those who feel most entitled to things are often more likely to get the things they feel entitled to — it's a matter of asking for what you want, as well as not apologizing for your success. The meek don't really make it big in this world — even it they're going to inherit it later. If you think you're entitled to make a living doing what you love, you're far more likely to make a go of it. If you think you're entitled to fame and money, you might actually work for it. Entitlement is like a poisoned version of optimism — the glass is half full, but it's half full of arsenic, and every sip you take isn't exactly what you wanted, and it kills you a little.

Obviously, not everyone can become rich and famous. And you know what? Maybe not everyone can make a living doing something they love. It would be nice if they could, but they can't. Someone has to clean the public lavatory — OK, maybe someone loves that, but that person is probably a weirdo (and they're probably rich and famous). We save those jobs for people who've scaled down their American Dream to the first option: being able to support yourself and/or your family. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I think it must be classism, but who's happier?

Who's happier: The people who wants to make a living doing what they love and are killing themselves trying — and growing to totally hate whatever it is they loved — or the people who simply want to make enough to support their families ... and succeed?

The latter group have things they love to do, too. Why not just aim to make enough money to do what you love on your own time? I'm not saying we should scale down our dreams necessarily, I just see so many friends who feel a kind of reverse-entitlement; a sort of pressure to make a living at some hobby of theirs, just because they're talented at it and enjoy it. The way I see it, if you want to take the enjoyment out of something for yourself? You should make it your job.

I have a friend who I'll call Arthur (because that's his name) who adjusted his version of the American Dream one day. He had just arrived in New York City, where no matter what you have, someone richer than you is at the next table, and he was so frustrated that things weren't going exactly the way he wanted. Arsenic. Then he passed by a bodega where there was a middle-aged man rolling flowers in paper. He wasn't put-upon, he looked perfectly content, and he was probably thinking about other things; life things, not money things. Arthur thought "that guy's fine. Maybe I'm fine, too."

I like this story because I try to think this way, too. Maybe wherever I am is OK. I'm supporting myself — am I entitled to more? Because I'm special? Is there something I need to live up to? No. Maybe working hard and kickin' along is the best version of the American Dream. You may dump the arsenic out of my glass and give me water.

By the way, did you know that there's a trace amount of arsenic in our drinking water? Maybe that's the problem.

I realize that what I'm saying is controversial, but this whole "you can be whatever you want to be and have whatever you want to have" story my generation was fed in school has kinda screwed up happiness for a lot of us. Everyone expects their happy ending in the form of #2 and #3. One of my favorite quotes is from the late Gilda Radner: "I always wanted a happy ending ... I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity."

To me this means "relax." Don't worry about the happy ending, just find a way to do the things you like to do and find a way to support yourself. And keep your nose to the joy-trail:

"You have to sniff out joy, keep your nose to the joy-trail." — Buffy St. Marie

So, if you're unhappy? Maybe take a step back and try to figure out what it is you expect from this world that you're not getting — and whether or not you should expect it at all. Maybe you're OK wherever you are.