If your adolescent daughter is getting ready to begin middle or high school, you are both probably feeling the natural tornado of excitement, peppered with a strong dose of anxiety around your home these days. Indeed, even if middle or high school is not new to her, there may be some anxiety associated with friendships that may have changed over the summer or tensions that may have recently arisen, all in addition to the normal fears associated with being able to handle the academic and extra-curricular demands of a new school year. In either case, these are important transitions and challenges on the adolescent path and many moms have begun asking me what they can do to support their daughters as the first day of school quickly approaches. Every suggestion I make is offered with the caveat that the advice you give your daughter must be modeled through your own actions in order for it to be taken seriously, particularly during her adolescence. It is essential that you check in with yourself in advance and commit to modeling any bit of guidance you offer your daughter. While this may sound like a huge undertaking, if you view this experience as a time of personal reaffirmation for you and a time of important personal growth for her, this can be an especially rewarding time of the year.
1. You CAN pick your friends. Although there is a tendency in adolescence to measure ourselves (and others) by the number of friends we have, in friendship more than anything, quality trumps quantity. Encourage your daughter to create her own personal list of the qualities she desires most in a friendship. Remind her that she is empowered to decide that if someone is not meeting her friendship criteria in some way, she is not obligated to maintain that friendship. In fact, she may be giving that person permission to treat her poorly if she does not either voice her objection or remove herself from the relationship.
2. Commitment to a healthy body goes far beyond P.E. class. Creating time for rigorous exercise 3-5 days a week (which P.E. class often does not provide) is valuable at every age, but in adolescence it can be a lifesaver for all parties involved. Ensure that your daughter realizes that exercise will support many aspects of her inner and outer wellbeing. Research has shown that exercise improves memory, concentration and learning and diminishes stress and mood swings. Beyond these important benefits, exercise will help her stay more connected to her body, which is essential as she gets used to its many changes.
3. Time management is the key to fulfilling our commitments. One of the most intimidating challenges of middle and high school can be the juggling of heavier loads of homework along with growing extra-curricular commitments. Before the school year begins, encourage your daughter to start creating a daily list of To Do’s along with a scheduled plan of action. Developing this daily routine will help her get into the habit of creating an effective approach to her commitments when she starts school, enable her to stay on top of her responsibilities and feel less overwhelmed.
4. “Me time” is essential! While we are on the topic of time management, a great habit to establish as an adolescent girl and carry into womanhood is the creation of something I call, “me time.” Although it is easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of school, friends and activities, encouraging your daughter to take at least 30 minutes per day of time with herself to get centered and reflect on who she is, how she’s feeling and what path she’s consciously creating (among other “lighter” possibilities) will go a long way. It is especially essential that you model this one, Mom!
5. There are few things more important than understanding and honoring our bodies. You may be wondering what this has to do with back-to-school. Everything! It is essential that an adolescent girl understand that her moon (menstrual) cycle is a cycle. That is, it is not just about a 5-7 day period but rather, a 28-plus day movement through hormonal transitions that impact the way she experiences the world emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. There is tremendous value in her comprehension of the fact that the estrogen phase she moves through in days 7-14 will likely lead her to feel more energetic, self-confident and outgoing, versus a latter progesterone phase during which she will tend to feel more introspective and less tolerant of the outside world. This knowledge and understanding will enable her to honor the power of her body and feel less frustrated or confused by what seem to be random, uncontrollable mood swings and powerful reactions (and interactions) that impact every aspect of her life.
6. Knowledge is power … and freedom. One of the most common items on the wish list of almost any adolescent is FREEDOM. While it can be difficult to impart the value of the abstract reality of algebra or the seemingly distant reality of ancient history, communicating the connections between knowledge, power and freedom usually has an impact. So, in case your adolescent daughter is dreading the academic component of the pending school year, remind her that her education is her ticket to a future in which she will have greater power and freedom to create her own unique path in the world. Knowledge is also one of few things no one can take from you once you have it.
7. There never is an excuse for getting gratification at someone else’s expense. Although my personal belief is that “mean girl” behavior is NOT inevitable, for a variety of reasons, including low self-esteem and media socialization, the incidence of girls attempting to prop themselves up by knocking someone else down is not uncommon. The concerted effort we make as mothers to model strong, supportive relationships with other women is essential to guiding our daughters toward greater camaraderie with other girls. I always remind the girls I work with that as women, we have enough obstacles in the world without being obstacles to each other.
8. We learn something from every experience. It is not uncommon for the anticipation of a whole new set of teachers to cause your adolescent daughter a great deal of anxiety. Reminders of past experiences she has had with the transition from the teacher she loved in 4th grade to that unknown teacher “who couldn’t possibly be as good,” will help her to put the transition into perspective. As there is the very real possibility that she will end up with a teacher or two with whom she does not click, share with her the reality that there will be employers in her future with whom she may not see eye-to-eye and thus, dealing with the dreaded science teacher can be looked upon as valuable practice for her future.
9. New beginnings are the ideal time to set new goals. Perhaps the best way to counter the apprehension your daughter may be feeling about the beginning of a new year is to help her see one of the brightest sides of new beginnings — a fresh start! Encourage her to make a list of the things she would most like to do differently than last year and set three goals for the coming school year. Talk her through a daily approach to achieving these goals and emphasize the fact that this is one of many ways she has the ability to create the school year and the life path she desires.
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