When I’m ninety years old, I wonder what I’ll be doing. In fact, I wonder if I’ll even be alive. Modern medicine is constantly increasing the span of active life, so maybe, after blowing out my candles, I’ll be heading out for another season of Survivor. It would probably be called Survivor: You’re Way Too Old. I hope that’s what the future has in store for me because in life we are often given second chances at many things — love, business, school, friendships, a pulse. What if you were given a second chance at winning a million dollars? Pretty cool right? What about a third chance? Even better. This is the fortunate predicament for all of the contestants on this season of Heroes vs. Villains. 
After I won the million bucks on Survivor Africa, I had to think long and hard about what to do with the money. I used it to co-found a charity called Grassroot Soccer, but I also invested wisely. I got into business with a really sweet Nigerian guy who emailed me about an additional $20 million he wanted to deposit into my account. All I needed to do was send over all my bank account info and some good faith money. Smart huh?
As the final episode of Heroes vs. Villains approaches, the chance of actually winning that money is becoming a serious reality for everyone who is still playing the game. This is a list explaining how I would like to see the remaining contestants use the million bucks if they win Survivor.
Rupert – How long can Rupert really stretch out this whole “pirate” thing? Rupert should move to the Caribbean and spend his second million building a pirate ship theme park. This way he can speak slowly and live happily ever after … as a pirate.
Parvati – Travel around the world holding conferences on how to get men to do anything you want with just a smile and a hair flip. Use the cash to develop a hair product called “flip it to whip it”. Next stop, QVC.
Russell – Take a year off and write the self-help book titled, How to Piss Off The World in Just 26 Short Weeks. I’m sure it will make it to #2 on the CBS Times Best Seller List … if there was one. Then use the million to hire a PR company and get your good guy image back. Good luck on that one.
Danielle – Use the money to buy a car and take a road trip down the Mass Pike heading east toward Fenway Park. Just before you hit Boston, there is a Costco on the left hand side. This is where you should purchase the economy size box of Kleenex to wipe the tribal council tears off your face. This game is rough.
Colby – Colby is hoping that the old saying, “the third time’s a charm” will actually come true. It’s his third time playing Survivor and he’s got some of the “southern charm” left over. However, he should really use the money to pay Ozzy to coach him in some Survivor challenge skills. His performance is sad and he got the Nickelodeon green slime. Poor guy.
Jerri – I’m not good at math, but I think this is the 480th reality show that Jerri has been a character on ( I’m not one to talk). But, if Jerri wins the million this time around, I think she should use it to produce and star in her own show called The Bachelorette.
Sandra – Sandra’s spicy personality and winning attitude is the perfect combination for the purchase of an Outback Steak House franchise. I think she should rename it, “Sassy Sandra’s Steak House Of The Outback.” A portion of her money can be used to pay Colby and Jerri to appear at the grand opening.
Candice – I hear she’s joining the “I’ve Just Been Bamboozled” tour with Richard Hatch. Should be a good one.
The Jury – The jury should pull a fast one on all the fans that watch Survivor each week. Vote for Brian Heidick to win the million just to see what happens. For some reason, I feel this guy needs another big check. In addition, I’d love to see him emerge from that rabbit hole he’s been hiding in since winning Survivor Thailand.
Jeff Probst – Reality check: the best Survivor player of all time will be the one who is crowned champion of an “All Winners” version of the show. When CBS gets around to doing this — and they will — I think Probst should toss in a million of his own dollars to sweeten the pot. Perhaps he will forgo his salary and hosting duties to enter the game as a contestant. Time will tell.
Photo courtesy of (Pranav) via Flickr.