Ladies, if you’ve been finding it tough to get your beau to watch The Bachelorette with you, we’ve put together a list that will help him relate by comparing it to his favorite sport: soccer. The ABC mainstay is a little longer than 90 minutes if you don’t count the commercials, but it has more in common with the game than its show length. For one, they’re traveling around the world to find love, and this week, are in Iceland. But besides geography, each of the remaining seven bachelors (Kirk, Frank, Craig, Roberto, Ty, Chris L. and Justin), and even the two gentlemen who were sent packing (Kasey and Chris N.), have some similarities with this year’s FIFA World Cup. Let’s see what they are:
Justin’s Theatrics. In true pro-wrestler fashion, Justin (right) had a doctor saw off his cast and dramatically threw his crutches into a street corner trash can before his two-on-one (sounds dirty, but stay with me) date with Ali Fedotoswky and Kasey. The unlikely threesome went on a helicopter ride over Icelandic volcanoes (you know, the ones that grounded your plane for weeks on end), where Kasey finally revealed his tattoo, quickly freaking out the bachelorette, and led to his demise. “This definitely feels just like a wrestling match where you pin your opponent, you get the one-two-three count, the bell rings and you hold your championship belt — in this case, Ali — up in the air,” Justin said. In Sunday’s Brazil vs. Ivory Coast (IC) game, IC foward Abdul Kader Keïta fell to the ground, hands clutching his face, after Brazilian player Kaká merely brushed past him. The refs gave Kaká a yellow card and he’s out for the next game. As one ESPN announcer said after Friday’s Italy vs. New Zealand game, “The Italians call it [faking injuries] strategy and the English call it cheating.” Sounds very familiar to Justin’s actions on The Bachelorette.
Kasey’s Got Heart. You could form a drinking game on the amount of times Kasey said the word “heart” in last night’s episode. He wanted to “guard and protect her heart,” he had a “heart” tattoo, there was just so much love radiating from Kasey that it became a constant buzz — much like the vuvuzelas (left). “The only thing [Kasey] has to do today is be normal,” Fedotowsky said. And he flopped at that after unveiling his heart tattoo, causing a visible cringe from the bachelorette. “I just don’t know where it went wrong,” he said. We’re going with, you were the most annoying part of the show, much like a long-winded, buzzing horn popular in South Africa.- Craig Gets the Upset. Lawyer Craig hasn’t received much screen time; he’s never had a one-on-one date. But Fedotowsky has always alluded to his humor, and we witnessed the funnyman last night when he drew a tattoo on his arm, making her laugh and landing him a rose. Similarly, New Zealand tied reigning world champs Italy last week, proving to everyone that victorious underdogs aren’t a thing of legend.
- Ravishing Roberto. Fedotowsky can’t seem to get enough of this Latin lover. She’s constantly telling him how handsome he is, which makes him grin his dimpled grin. It’s kind of like the soccer announcers with the Brazilian team. They’re perfect in every way and poised to win it all this year. Will Roberto win Fedotowsky’s heart and Brazil, the World Cup? Time will tell.
Chris N. = Honduras. He may have chiseled features, but Chris N. (right) exhibited no personality. Who can forget this game-changer? “Uh, I like Mexican food,” he said when Fedotowsky asked him to tell her about himself. Similarly, Honduras has proved to be a dud in the World Cup, scoring zero goals in two games. Our guess is that like Chris N., Honduras will not advance to the finals.- Daddy’s Boy. Chris L. keeps hammering the point home that he is closer than ever to his father and brothers in Cape Cod. He said he’d live with Fedotowsky in San Francisco and do anything — even collect garbage — with the condition that they’d visit Massachusetts (re: his family) often. In last week’s match between the US and Slovenia, it was Coach Bob Bradley‘s son Michael who scored the tying goal. Without it, the poor call by referee Koman Coulibaly would’ve led to an American loss.
- Strip, Baby, Strip! Iceland‘s freezing, but it’s also home to a natural hot spring (commercially) called The Blue Lagoon. The bachelors met Fedotowsky there at night all bundled up. Much to their surprise, the bachelorette stripped down to an itty-bitty bikini and Kirk, Ty and Frank couldn’t get their clothes off fast enough. Now, if you’ve been watching the World Cup, we bet you’ve caught the post-game interviews. Unlike most American sports, these players can’t wait to get their jerseys off and display the results of many grueling workouts. Hey, we’re not complaining!
Justin’s Theatrics. In true pro-wrestler fashion, Justin (right) had a doctor saw off his cast and dramatically threw his crutches into a street corner trash can before his two-on-one (sounds dirty, but stay with me) date with Ali Fedotoswky and Kasey. The unlikely threesome went on a helicopter ride over 
Kasey’s Got Heart. You could form a drinking game on the amount of times Kasey said the word “heart” in last night’s episode. He wanted to “guard and protect her heart,” he had a 
Chris N. = Honduras. He may have chiseled features, but Chris N. (right) exhibited no personality. Who can forget this game-changer? “Uh, I like Mexican food,” he said when Fedotowsky asked him to tell her about himself. Similarly, And remember, folks, The Bachelorette is more than just a pretty face. Fedotowsky and her many men posed for a charity calendar that benefits Global Green USA and the Oceanic Preservation Society. Order yours here.
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Photos 1, 2 and 4 courtesy of ABC. Photo 3 by Shine 2010 via Flickr.