In a personal protest of the huge impact that molotov cocktails has on global warming, 30-year-old Eddie Valencia of Woodland, Calif., allegedly accidently set himself on fire while throwing a molotov cocktail from his gas-guzzling 1979 Chevy Impala yesterday. Scientists have estimated that molotov cocktails contribute to about 24 million tons of CO2 emissions every year. Mr. Valencia apparently felt that driving through the San Fernando Valley and throwing the molotov cocktail would make a strong statement about the environmental dangers of these fuel-based homemade bombs.
In case you didn’t know, a molotov cocktail is comprised of a glass bottle filled with kersosene, gasoline or other flammable liquid and finished off with a rag stuffed into the open bottle top. When soaked with fuel and lit, the fuel-doused rag acts as a wick. The device is then thrown and explodes upon impact with a hard surface.
Countless explosions of these devices contribute majestically to global warming every year.
Police responded at about 8:00 p.m. to East Oak Street in Woodland. When they arrived, the car was upside down and in flames. Police assumed it was a rollover accident, but witnesses confirmed that Mr. Valencia attempted to throw the device from the car and missed the open window. The device ignited inside the car and Valencia continued to drive, apparently spewing smoke from both his lead-fueled auto and his open passenger-side window while shouting about “We need to green the world.” Revolutionaries and terrorists take note of Valencia’s message so this satire won’t go down in flames!
“The Scallion” is Editor Dan’s weekly column (sometimes twice a week, sometimes once every other week) written in the spirit of “just having fun.” You can sign a petition against molotov cocktails at Valencia’s site www.greenmolotov.com.